THE WATTS CONNECTION
Make It Safe A client recently described a situation at work. A meeting was called to strategize how to resolve a problem. Almost every time someone made a suggestion or expressed an opinion, one coworker responded with a negative comment. One by one, people dropped out of the conversation and soon the flow of ideas stopped completely. The meeting adjourned with the problem unresolved and everyone went their different directions to regroup. Try it. You will be amazed at the impact of such a simple strategy. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2006 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Sound familiar? Unfortunately, this happens all too often. None of us want to be ridiculed or made to look bad in front of our coworkers, and especially not in front of the boss! It makes us feel unsafe – we ask ourselves if this will impact our performance review, the raise we are hoping for, or our standing in the company. Feeling safe is a basic human need. It applies just as much to our psychological, emotional and spiritual needs as it does to our physical sense of safety and security. If we don’t feel safe expressing ourselves we clam up or stumble over our words. We stop performing to the best of abilities. In other words, we lose our voice.
This serves no one. We start to resent those who make us feel unsafe, increasing tensions and the likelihood of future conflict. They lose the benefit of our knowledge and ideas. Meanwhile, we feel frustrated and unappreciated. We may even feel like a failure and start to doubt our abilities. This is even truer when we are trying to express something that is really important to us, such as how we feel about a situation. It is a lose-lose scenario.
Next time you are in a brainstorming session or lively discussion, remember that it is our behavior that generates the way others see and respond to us. If they don’t feel safe responding to us, they are unlikely to be fully open. We won’t get their best efforts.
Here are three examples of communication that will help further the conversation:
A former colleague works on a stressful team; it has slowed him down and left him looking a little tired lately. When we met last week, the change in his appearance immediately caught my attention. He looked at least a couple inches taller, his gait had an extra bounce to it and there was an unmistakable look of satisfaction. Anyone observing his entry would have thought he looked like the confident and powerful man I know him to be. I couldn’t wait to find out what had happened! One quick cautionary word, however: some people overdo the positive feedback. They compliment people constantly, negating any potential benefit. Instead, they sound like shallow, or even manipulative. To help ensure you don’t fall into this trap, monitor yourself, be sincere and make sure you are specific with your feedback. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2006 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
August, 2006
Good Job!
Fortunately it didn’t take long. He shared with me some of the challenges he had been dealing with on a particular project. The team wasn’t working well together, and people were constantly criticizing one another. No matter how good a job he did, he only heard criticism – what he did wrong or what he could have done better. It was wearing him down; he was even beginning to wonder if he should start to look elsewhere. But that day was different. That day, the “big” boss came in and told him what a good job he was doing and how his work was already impacting operations and the bottom line.
This is, unfortunately, a common scene. There is plenty of negative feedback and shortage a positive feedback. This is not only sad, it is a mistake. The negative drains our energy and enthusiasm, leading to underperformance and lower productivity. If the environment is too negative, it can even lead to increased turnover; after all, we spend too much time at work to let it drain us physically and psychologically. Customers and suppliers also feel the effects of a negative workplace and may become less eager to do business with us. On the other hand, the positive energizes us and motivates us to do our very best, increasing productivity. It creates an environment where people are eager to go to work, and it can reduce turnover.
While some negative feedback is both inevitable and necessary, if we want people to perform at their best we want to fuel their energy and enthusiasm. Opportunities to provide positive feedback abound and anyone can participate; we can say something to co-workers, subordinates, customers, suppliers – even the boss. Some things to try:
Try it. You will find you can make your workplace more enjoyable and be the cause for the spring in someone’s step.
September, 2006
Don't Do That!
“Whatever you do, don’t [you can fill in the blank].” This is one area where maintaining a positive attitude pays large dividends. Not only do we get the desired results, but we usually expend less of our precious energy in the process. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2006 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
How many times have you said that? And how many times has the person turned around and done exactly that which you didn’t want done?
This is one of those communication issues that seem to occur quite often. It is especially noticeable with children, perhaps because we spend so much time saying “No” to them. But it also happens with adults and it can be very frustrating. We wonder why someone can’t understand such a straightforward statement. Weren’t they listening? Don’t they care?
The reason this doesn’t work is simple: we don’t hear the word “not”. If someone says “Don’t do that”, we hear “Do that”. If someone says “I don’t want you to say anything about this to anyone”, we hear “I want you to say anything about this to anyone.” When we tell someone “not” to do something, we are telling them to do exactly the thing we wish to avoid.
The solution is equally simple. Instead of saying what we don’t want, we get better results if we say what it is that we DO want:
There are two important extensions to this strategy:
First, it doesn’t work quite the same with our self-talk. Unfortunately, we do seem to hear the “not” when talking to ourselves. If we say “I can’t do that”, while we probably won’t do it we will hear that we cannot do it and run down our own self-esteem. Once again, I recommend the same solution: instead of telling ourselves we can’t do something, focus on what we CAN do.
Second, studies show that this applies equally to our thoughts! Remember when you were in school and you sat there thinking, “Don’t call on me” – only to find the teacher calling on you? Or perhaps you were driving down the road, someone was tailgating you and you repeated to yourself, “Don’t hit me, don’t hit me”. Eventually the tailgater fails to stop in time and hits you. While the words are unspoken, our thoughts have their own energy and power. They too invite a response that fails to recognize the word “not”. We will achieve better results thinking positive thoughts, thoughts that reflect what we really want instead of what we don’t want. We can think, “Call on Bob”, or “Maintain a safe distance”. This gives a new level of meaning to the old adage, be careful what you wish for!
Try it. Experiment with using the positive language both in your spoken word and in your thoughts. You will find you have the power to affect more of what you want.
Putting Others Down A friend was lamenting a conversation he overheard at the office. While talking to a client, a professional man repeatedly referred to his colleagues in derogatory terms. To hear him talk, 99% of those in his chosen profession were idiots, incapable of delivering adequate service. Actually, he used a much stronger word. His professional colleagues were in the room at the time. This is a tactic we don’t want to use. It is unprofessional and lose-lose. In daily interactions, however, it is extremely rare to find an occasion when it is appropriate to put others down. People are free to – and will – draw their own conclusions about others. Let them. Remember the old adage, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2006 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
My friend was both stunned and saddened. He couldn’t get the conversation off his mind.
This is an extreme example of something that actually happens quite often. For example, it is common for a salesperson to say negative things about the competition. Sometimes it is direct, such as “Their product is known to fail at critical times.” Sometimes it is indirect. Either way, the message is clear: they are not a good source.
This tactic, when used gratuitously, has many pitfalls, including:
Of course there are times, such as formal performance evaluations, where negative comments may be called for. If faced with the necessity of commenting on others, focus on their positive features; talk about perceived shortfalls only when necessary and always in a kind manner. In sales, you can focus on features your competitors might not offer and let the clients realize the added value you bring. In cases where your opinion is legitimately sought out, you can respond with their good points and, if necessary, suggest one or two areas where you personally would like to see improvement.
Try it. Say things that show others in a positive light. You will find people respect and trust you more and feel more comfortable around you.
Constructive Criticism A manager is preparing to give a performance appraisal and dreads having to tell someone they are not performing up to par. Once we have identified the core issues, we can prepare our comments. There are two important principles for moving ahead:
Basing the conversation on these two principles will help it go much more smoothly. We can then engage the other person in a dialogue that will help solve the problem while minimizing the negative impact on the person or the relationship. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2006 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
An employee is having a problem with a co-worker who is regularly late providing him with much-needed information, and struggles to find the right words to confront the person.
Sound familiar? These are just two examples of situations that require we criticize someone. Few people enjoy doing this. We are often afraid to do it – afraid the person will not like us, even resent us; he might become emotional and we’ll have to deal with that, too; we may get a reputation as a complainer; or …. Often we aren’t comfortable that we will handle it properly, say the right thing.
While we may never like criticizing someone, we can make it easier if we plan what we want to say in advance. It pays to take a minute to ask ourselves two important questions:
Try it. You will find the conversations are easier, take less of your energy and help maintain good working relationships.
Satire & Sarcasm Imagine for a moment that your company printed and distributed a greeting card that said, “Greetings from XYZ Company, the least efficient widget manufacturer in the United States”. Would you send the card to customers, suppliers, investors or friends? How would you feel if your competitors sent it? Is it funny? Sometimes the effects are subconscious. That doesn’t make them any less harmful or real. In business, this has the potential to seriously damage relationships with the various stakeholders. In our personal relationships, it can quickly destroy friendships. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2006 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Something similar happened here in Cleveland recently. The card, tested by a specialty products company, was quickly withdrawn. The resulting comments have been interesting. Some claim it is merely satire and funny – no big deal. Others resent the negative image it portrays of the target, even if it is “factually correct”; they think it promotes an image that is harmful to future growth and prosperity. Which is right, and where do we draw the line?
Humor is dangerous. What is funny to one person may not be funny to another. It is almost impossible to use humor without offending someone, and many find the use of satire or sarcasm particularly offensive. Satire is the use of irony, sarcasm, derision or caustic wit to attack or expose a folly, vice or stupidity. The Greek derivation of the word sarcasm is to bite the lips/flesh in rage. Knowing the words’ meanings, it is easy to understand that satire and sarcasm are harsh forms of communications guaranteed to cause problems because they always result in debasing, criticizing or otherwise belittling someone or something. It is seldom pleasant to be the target of this type of communication.
When considering the use of satire and sarcasm, it pays to remember two things:
It is okay, even good, to laugh at ourselves from time to time. It is different when we laugh at others. We, each of us, must decide what kind of a person we want to be and how we want others to view us. The question is, do we want to be known as someone who thinks it is funny to belittle others? Do we want a moment of laughter to define our character?
Think about it. Decide if you want to risk squandering your power and energy, your reputation, on satire and sarcasm. Decide if it will help you move towards your goals or interfere with them.