THE WATTS CONNECTION
Sticks & Stones “Sticks & stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Remember… it’s all in how you say it!
Remember hearing that when you were a child? Perhaps you even said it yourself. It was the preferred retort whenever someone said something mean to us. There is only one problem: it just isn’t true. In fact, we said it because we didn’t like something that was said to us. We were already hurt, and we were trying to protect ourselves.
Most often, this response was the result of name-calling. Some of the names used in my childhood were: four-eyes, fatty, and stupid. Whatever it was, it wasn’t nice. As adults, the names can be nastier and they can be more subtle. A simple statement like “I would rather have someone else do it” may be heard as “you aren’t very good at this” by some people and require a follow-on explanation.
While being called names is never pleasant, some instances are more harmful than others. Being called a name – even once – by a parent or other person to whom we look for love, approval and acceptance can be devastating, especially to a child. Being called a name repetitively can also be devastating. And, of course, some of us are simply more “thin-skinned” than others. As adults, we may feel the sting of being called a name even when we know that it is more a reflection of the other person than us. We may fear there is a shred of truth in it – after all, why else would they have said what they did?
Name-calling is harmful because it questions our sense of who we are. It challenges our sense of identity, our sense of worth. It may challenge our sense of acceptance and belonging. It makes us feel less – less valued, less appreciated, less worthy, less than the great person we are. It can break our spirit and cause us to be less than we can – and should – be.
As adults, we understand that the person is usually just upset and venting, even if not productively. We can maintain an intellectual view of what is happening instead of being hooked emotionally. We can eventually ask ourselves if there is a shred of truth to the name and use it as a growth experience. At that point, the hurt and anger we may have felt at the person turns to gratitude.
There is no good reason for us to engage in name-calling. It is invariably considered mean-spirited and makes others wary of us. It is unproductive and can create all kinds of new problems. When we are tempted to call someone a name, it is wiser to stop and examine why we are feeling that need. If we are hurt, angry, tired of someone’s behavior or otherwise emotionally involved, we should address the real issues with the person in a constructive manner.
Broken bones heal. Broken spirits may not.
© 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
No No No You can’t do that. That isn’t nice. That’ll never work. That’s not how we do things. That was a lousy idea. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
I’m sure you have run into people who sound like this. Almost everything they say is negative and critical. By the time the conversation ends your energy is depleted and you need a nap to recuperate. You may even feel battered. Some of these people even laugh about it, pretending their comments are merely jokes; the only people they are fooling are themselves.
There are undoubtedly many reasons people are critical and negative, ranging from temperament to life’s trials. I suspect most of the people who behave this way are completely unaware of how they impact others – and themselves.
When we have a negative or critical attitude, we give away our personal power. It drains our energy and leaves us fearful of moving into the unfamiliar. It thwarts our growth and progress, keeping us from becoming our best. We might as well build a wall and resign ourselves to living within it for the rest of our lives. That might be comfortable, but it isn’t challenging or fun.
If you are one of these people, eliminate the words “no” and “not”, and all their variations, from your vocabulary. Reframe your comments and observations so they are positive. For example, say “you can do that”, “how nice” or “what an interesting idea”. If you have been negative for a long time, this might be very difficult; find a buddy to keep you on track until it becomes a new habit. Observe how the change in wording makes you feel, and how it affects your attitude. Watch what it does to your energy, your view of life and your relationships. You will find life opens up and you have greater possibilities.
When we are with critical or contrary people, their negativity can drain our energy and joy as well. It is important that we protect ourselves so they don’t pull us down with them. We don’t want to give our power away to someone else. Often we simply avoid the negative people in our lives. If you can’t, you can tell the person you “don’t find this approach helpful” and ask for what you want the person to do instead. You can also redirect the conversation by asking questions and challenging them with the intention of creating a constructive dialogue. You might ask “why”, or “what can you suggest that might make it work”. Make sure you do this without judgment or blame or the person will become defensive.
We all face a lot of pressure and stress in our lives. If we maintain our energy and enjoyment, we are better poised to cope with whatever life throws at us. Keeping a positive outlook is an invaluable tool that will help us succeed in the face of the many challenges we face.
Playing Nice Are there some people who you simply prefer to associate with at work, and others you tend to avoid when possible? Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Imagine there are two people with whom you work closely. One throws something on your desk telling you he needs a report done by end-of-day, and then walks off. The other brings you some data and asks if you can prepare a certain report by end-of-day. Which person do you prefer working with? Whose report do you feel better about working on? Which report are you going to put more energy into?
While we know that we can’t expect to get our emotional needs met at work, we are human and it is natural we would continue to feel more comfortable with some than with others. Sometimes we feel comfortable because they are like us, or like our family or friends – we know the type and fall into our natural rhythms with them. Sometimes we even feel comfortable because they remind us of people we don’t particularly like; again, we know how to act. Sometimes we have to learn how to relate to certain people.
The way we interact at work affects our performance. When we feel good about our interactions with others we are free to concentrate on the work at hand. When we don’t like the way people treat us, we are likely to resist them. This resistance is a distraction and wastes energy. We may wonder what the person will do to us next. We may think the person is simply behaving rudely, arrogantly or like a jerk. If we feel our efforts are unappreciated or taken for granted, our self esteem may suffer. We may lose interest in the job and our performance can suffer. We may even leave to find work in a more constructive atmosphere.
Does this mean that we can never be short with a co-worker? No. We all work under a lot of pressure and at a fast pace. It helps to think of your goodwill with co-workers as a bank account: when we are polite, we deposit goodwill into the account, and when we are short with them we withdraw from the account. We want to maintain a positive balance in the account. If we are polite most of the time, our co-workers will forgive us if we are short with them once in a while.
We spend a significant portion of our day at work. It is in our best interest to make that experience pleasant so that we enjoy being there and can focus on performing to the best of our abilities. As in other areas of our lives, manners do matter.
The Bottom Line It happened again. A report I needed was already overdue and the person preparing it left me a telephone message saying it would be delayed another four days. The message was so long that the answering system timed out and cut off the end of the story. Not only did I learn – eventually – that the report was going to be late yet again, I learned all the details behind the delay and that he couldn’t do it over the weekend because he and his family had made elaborate plans, which he also shared in the message. I had to listen to the message twice to figure out why he was calling. Many people have a low tolerance for conversations that don’t get to the point. It wastes time and can cost money. If you are someone who tends to ramble, remember that good communication skills are important to your career progression and practice bottom-lining your conversations. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
All I wanted to know was: when am I getting the report?
Unfortunately, this is not as rare as we would like. We have probably all had the experience of listening to someone launch into a lengthy explanation that included a lot of irrelevant information. I didn’t need to know all the details behind what caused the delay unless there was something I could do to eliminate the obstacles. I was happy he and his family were planning a special weekend, but I didn’t need to hear it all on the answering machine; it was better left for a casual conversation.
In business, and on answering machines, it is important to be clear and succinct with our words. The way to do this is to get right to the bottom line. It requires we take a moment and organize our thoughts so we can focus on the message we need to send. Once we are clear on the message, we can state it succinctly: “I’ll have that report for you on Tuesday”. Then we can invite the listener into a deeper conversation to cover the supporting details.
Sometimes it is necessary to add extra details. For example:
Getting to the bottom line quickly saves time and frustration, and can help eliminate some of the misunderstandings that result from unclear communications.
Jumping to Conclusions Imagine, you are delegating work to someone and they respond, “I already have a lot of work”. You jump to the conclusion that they are complaining about their workload and get defensive. If you hold authority over the person, you may downgrade their next performance appraisal, saying the person “has a bad attitude”. At the same time, they are confused and don’t understand why you are angry because they really wanted to do the assignment and were figuring out a way to make it fit their workload. They were simply thinking out loud. Now they are defensive and angry also. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Or perhaps you are talking with a friend and they mention a challenge they are facing. You think it is no big deal. They are hurt because for them it is a big deal.
Why does this type of misunderstanding keep happening?
When we jump to conclusions we make assumptions. The problems come from the fact we base these assumptions on our life experiences, not theirs. When we listen to others, we hear the words and (if meeting face to face) observe the person’s posture, gestures and demeanor. We then start to make sense of it all by filtering what we hear and see through a lens of our own beliefs, values and life experiences. For example, we may compare the conversation to one we had in the past, or to something that is distracting us that day. We then draw conclusions based on these beliefs, values and experiences. In short, we draw conclusions about the other person’s intent based on our own.
This is sometimes very efficient. Often, though, it is a recipe for confusion, hurt feelings, anger and/or conflict. But we can never have the exact same beliefs, values and life experiences as another. Even if we grew up with someone, different temperaments lead us to different life views.
If we don’t take the time to validate the assumptions we make based on what the person says, we sow the seeds of misunderstanding. We think we understand each other, but in reality we have two different understandings. This can cost us dearly: we find ourselves working to different ends, things fall through the cracks, we may lose both time and money, feelings are hurt and conflict is imminent. If not addressed promptly, we run the risk of spiraling out of control.
It is necessary to clarify our assumptions if we want to keep things running smoothly. It is important when we make assumptions about what someone is thinking, and especially important when assuming what someone is feeling. We can say what we think we hear and ask if we are hearing them correctly. We can ask how they feel about something. We can put our own expectations aside and actively listen.
Taking a minute to validate our understanding can prevent a lot of problems. It also shows we are interested in and value what the other person has to say, strengthening the relationship.
Unsolicited Advice Jane encountered a problem with a project, and mentioned it to her co-worker, Joe. Joe jumped in with suggestions on how to resolve the issue. Jane, irritated, curtly thanked him and walked away. Remember… it’s all in how you say it!
Tom is becoming increasingly frustrated with Dick, one his employees. At first he didn’t mind helping solve Dick’s problems, but now it seems like Dick runs to Tom with all his problems and he wishes Dick would take more initiative. He is beginning to think Dick isn’t up to the job. At the same time, since Tom has always jumped in with fixes to his problems, Dick thinks Tom wants to be the problem-solver and is becoming frustrated with his perceived inability to show what he is capable of doing.
Both of these examples illustrate what can happen when we give unsolicited advice. Why does unsought advice cause so many problems?
We all have a need to feel like we are mature and capable. It is how we express who we are and how we gauge our self-worth. When someone steps in to solve our problems or give us unasked for advice, it can make us feel stupid, juvenile or otherwise less than capable. We may even feel like the person is trying to “fix” or control us. It is not good for our self esteem. If someone does it repeatedly, it can drive a wedge between the two people and create distrust or animosity. At other times, it can result in someone becoming passive and under-functioning. It can cause confusion, misunderstanding and frustration.
People share problems for a number of reasons. Some people mention them because they are simply thinking out loud. Some use them as a way to build relationships, and some use it as a way to release frustration or stress. Sometimes they are indirectly asking for advice.
Likewise, people jump in with advice for multiple reasons. They might just want to be helpful. Sometimes they are concerned about the outcome, or eager, or impatient. It might be their way of building relationships, or of building their own self esteem.
Unless we ask, we don’t know what is motivating someone. Therefore, a good rule of thumb is to refrain from giving advice unless and until asked. It can prevent a lot of problems.
How do we do this? We listen when someone is talking. We may simply acknowledge the issue, or be sympathetic. If it is something we have dealt with before, we may acknowledge we know what the person is facing.
After listening, if we feel the urge to help problem solve we can ask if the person wants help. This can be a direct question: e.g. “Would you like some advice on this?” Or it can be indirect: e.g. “If you want to brainstorm solutions, feel free to call me.”
On the other side, when we want advice we are best served by directly asking for it. If we are simply sharing, venting, or relating we can say that as well. Either way, the person listening then knows what is expected of him/her and can respond accordingly.
© 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Face to Face vs. Written A co-worker says something that upsets you. Perhaps you feel your work ethic was questioned, or they insulted you, or called you a particularly derogatory name. You are faced with a decision: do you face the person and try to clear the air or do you fire off a memo asking for an apology and documenting the perceived offense. Which is better? Does it matter if this is a repeat offense? Remember… it’s all in how you say it!
Facing the person can be the quickest way to resolve the issue. But it can also be scary; we may have a hard time controlling our emotions, or we may be afraid of a violent response. A memo can also be fast; we dash it off and move on with our work. Plus, a memo documents the problem in case it persists in the future; it gives you a paper trail showing that you tried to address the issue.
If the problem warrants some action on your part, it is serious enough to deserve handling with care. The aim is to resolve the perceived slight and preserve the working relationship, not add to the tension. Most often, a face to face conversation is the most appropriate way to do this. It gives weight to the issue: it is important enough that you are willing to have a perhaps uncomfortable conversation, and the relationship is important enough that you want to mend things. You open the door to a meaningful dialogue. You are more likely to be heard and respected.
Memos sometimes work, too. All too often, however, you end up with a bigger problem. The response may be an angry memo that results in a war of words. The memo may get circulated, creating more problems. Tensions and animosity increase and our work may suffer.
The difficulty with a written complaint is that loses the tonality and inflection that are integral parts of our message. An often cited study informs us that our words make up only about 7% of the message a person receives when we are talking, with tonality and body language delivering the rest of the message. When we write something, especially something extremely personal or emotional, the missing 93% is critical. We must be much more careful with our wording if we put it in writing, knowing that we cannot capture the non-verbal impact a face to face meeting would have. Our words will not, can not, have the same impact. Written communications require much more sensitivity and care.
When deciding if you should use written communications for this type of problem, ask yourself two questions: Is a written communication needed for management or political purposes? Is it possible to have a face to face? If the answers are NO and YES respectively, avoid the temptation to take the easy way out with a memo and instead set up a meeting with the person to clear the air. You’ll be glad later that you did.
© 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
We vs. They Your boss asks how a report is coming, and you respond, “Sales is late getting the forecast numbers to me.” Remember… it’s all in how you say it!
Your module is ready for testing when you are handed a change order. The extra work squeezes your deadline – again. You tell your boss it would have been ready if Design would make up their minds about what they want.
Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that we interact and work with people in a dynamic environment. Co-workers have different priorities and the environment is constantly evolving. Trying to keep up with everything that is happening can be a challenge. As we try to keep up, we often fall into the habit of labeling others – we talk of Sales and Design instead of Joe and Mary. We use a general label to push the human element out of the way; we now have another entity that is the obstacle instead of having to deal with a person. We think this makes it easier for us to manage.
On the surface this seems harmless enough. But labels are not harmless. In fact, there are many reasons they can be harmful to our ability to work together effectively. For one, they turn the team “we” into “we vs. they”. This inevitably leads to tensions and conflict if not changed.
When we start labeling groups we build a crevasse that separates us from them. Now there are those who meet the criteria of the label and those who don’t. Usually there is an implied judgment that accompanies the label: they are the obstacles, the villains, different – probably inferior in some way.
When we label someone as different or inferior, it is easier for us to treat them differently. We then see them as the label, not as the person. Once we have made the jump to viewing people in terms of an arbitrary label, it is easier to disregard their humanity and use (or abuse) them. This is, in fact, one of the tools used to subjugate people world wide and perpetrate some of the worst human rights violations.
There are times when we are going to use labels. When we do, I always recommend conscious and judicious use, and that we stay attuned to the fact there are real people behind the label.
Even better, instead of labeling others we can use their names. We can say that Joe is still trying to get the forecast numbers we need, or that Mary is responding to the client’s needs. Keeping a real person in the picture helps us to maintain the connectedness instead of discounting and/or blaming. In the long run, it will make for a stronger team.
© 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Verbal Attacks A co-worker has become the lightening rod for a lot of anger in the office. People have resorted to using words as weapons: one person calls the person “an arrogant, self-important jerk” and another calls him a “knock-kneed, little tyrant.” If we go too far, we will offend many if not most people. This causes undesirable consequences. For example, they may wonder what we say about them behind their back, or they may start to distrust us. Equally important, we shift the focus from our message to the name-calling. If we were trying to make a point, it will be lost in the attack. We become the target.
Are the words offensive? Is one of these more offensive than the other?
I’ve written before about name-calling (Jan 07) and labels (Aug 07). Both cause problems: name-calling causes us to question our identity and labels separate us into “we vs. they” groups. While I definitely believe it is preferable to avoid these, in real life we sometimes resort to using names and labels – to vent our frustration or for some other reason.
Sometimes we go too far and the words become a verbal attack. At that point it is not funny – rather it is perceived as mean-spirited and insensitive. Where do we draw the line?
I like the David Letterman philosophy. When he makes people the subject of his jokes, he follows specific principles, including: it is okay to attack those things over which the target has control (choices) but not those things over which they have no control.
With this principle in mind, we can evaluate the words used above:
There are abundant examples in the public discourse. Within the past week MoveOn.org did this: they ran an ad that called Gen. Petraeus “Gen. Betray Us”. Since his name is not a choice, it doesn’t pass the Letterman test. It is likely most people remember the furor it raised but not the (details of the) point they were trying to make, and it didn’t help their reputation.
I don’t recommend this type of attack. It isn’t productive. Before deciding to use words as weapons, such as name-calling and labels, stop and think: what is it you want to accomplish with your words? Are the words you have in mind going to advance your goal, or are they likely to backfire and cause you more harm? If they go too far – they fail the Letterman test – reconsider and find a different way to meet your goal.
Remember… it’s all in how you say it!
© 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
One Up We all know someone who plays the “one up” game. (I use the word “game” loosely here.) The game is simple: to make the person look superior in some way: smarter, prettier, more capable …. Whatever is happening, they have to come out on top: the person who always has to win, be the best and get the recognition. Of course putting one person in a superior position means that others are put down; it is always at someone else’s expense. There are many reasons people try to maintain a “one up” position. A few examples: In a dog-eat-dog world, some may use it to get ahead or to maintain position. Some are predisposed to the game and are unaware they are playing it at harmful or inappropriate times. Some are feeling unappreciated and may be looking for validation. Some may be concerned things will not workout correctly if they don’t do everything themselves and are afraid it will make them look bad. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Some of the ways we do this, intentionally or not, include:
Trying to maintain a superior position to those around you is harmful. It breeds conflict, causes animosity and runs counter to the teamwork concept. This is true even when it is unconscious; we tend to feel something is off and over time resentment builds up.
There are a number of things we can do when we find ourselves being forced down in this manner. Of course, before doing anything we should do a reality check; we need to make sure the power we are trying to restore is really ours. If it is our boss, we may want to defer action unless it threatens to have an adverse effect on our job performance. If it is important that we maintain or regain our power and control, we need to be assertive and speak up for our needs. Making the other person aware of what it is we want and need is often both simple and quick. If the person gets defensive, angry or belligerent, it may take more preparation and time to come to a mutually successful resolution. It is worth it.
Self Talk We are given an assignment, and the first thing we think is: “I can’t do that”. Remember… it’s all in how you say it!
We make a mistake and we tell ourselves, “I am so stupid”.
We do a good job on something and pat ourselves on the back, saying “I’m the man”.
These are all examples of our self talk: what we say to ourselves about ourselves.
Our self talk is powerful. Just as the words we use with others helps them shape how they see themselves, the words we use with ourselves in our self talk reflect and shape how we see ourselves.
It is important we are as careful with our self talk as we are with our words to others. When we hear others calling us names and judging us, we can make informed choices as whether or not to take them seriously and we can turn them off. When it is our self talk that is judging us, we are less objective in evaluating the truth of what we are saying and it is more difficult to turn it off.
Why is this important? The more we hear negative things about ourselves, the more likely we are to we believe them. When we hear ourselves being labeled as stupid, or weak, or [you fill in the blank], over time we start to think and act as if those labels are true. If we think we aren’t as good as someone else, we start deferring to the other and fail to live up to our potential. Ex: Do you know someone who thinks she isn’t smart just because she didn’t go to college? She is likely to let the fact that she didn’t have access to a higher level of education keep her in lower paying jobs regardless of how intelligent she really is.
To make sure our self talk doesn’t hold us back, we want to be careful we label and judge our behaviors and actions, not ourselves. We do this by saying something like: “I can (figure out how to) do that”, or “That wasn’t one of my better decisions”, or “I really did a good job on that one”. Maintaining a more positive attitude about ourselves allows us to stay open to the possibilities that surround us. It allows us to achieve at a higher level. It allows us to see the lessons, especially when we don’t do our best. It allows us to maintain a healthy self-esteem. And, it is up to us to manage our self-esteem.
There is an old saying that if we say “I can” or “I can’t”, either way we are probably right. To achieve our best, we want to make sure we believe we can.
© 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
People vs. Objects “He/She is mine.” Of course, we cannot and do not own or possess people. We have relationships with them. And while we may engage the services of someone, we do not want to use them. We use objects. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2007 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
“Have your people call my people.”
“Check with the Human Resources Department.”
What do all of these have in common?
All of these phrases are fairly common in today’s world. And all of them refer to people not as human beings, but as our property, an object or commodity:
Why is this important? To treat people as objects is to diminish their sense of self. It trivializes them, breeds resentment and weakens relationships. As a management tool it might make it easier for managers to make decisions that effect large numbers of employees, but it has a negative impact on those employees. People perform at their highest levels when they feel they are respected and valued; when they feel like a pawn or unvalued, their performance suffers. Sadly, many people tell me they feel like slaves at their jobs.
Reducing people to objects or commodities is a tool used to maintain control and power over them. It is widely used by those who commit violence against others. This is not the message decent people, people like those of you who are reading this, want to convey to others.
Instead of saying he/she is mine, we can say he/she is my spouse/child/co-worker/friend. Adding the relationship turns the pronoun into a modifier and changes the meaning. Likewise, instead of talking about my people and yours, we can name the people we want to connect. And companies could benefit from looking at the language they use too – remember the old Employee Relations Departments?
Our words are powerful. They create our truths and our realities, so it is incumbent on us to choose them wisely and make sure they generate the message we intend.
If you hear someone speaking in a manner that objectifies people, I challenge you to gently rephrase what they are saying and put the humanity back into the discussion. I also challenge you to make sure you are not talking of people as objects. Your relationships will be stronger for it.