THE WATTS CONNECTION
I’m Sorry Tom was late with a report and Bob had to work all weekend to make up lost time. When confronted with the consequences, Tom carefully explained all the reasons for the delay, making Bob even more irritated. This is all that is needed. Once this is accomplished, we often find the other party is open to hearing some explanation. We may even find we no longer feel the need to explain. This can only happen when we truly understand the other party’s concerns. Next time you find yourself needing to apologize, set aside your own concerns for a minute and listen, really listen, to what the other person is saying. It will make the apology easier, and put the relationship back on the right road more quickly.
Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Mary committed Jane to a project not knowing Jane had just campaigned for and been offered a project she really wanted to be part of. Jane had to beg off her pet project to satisfy Mary’s commitment. Mary explained how he really needed Jane on the other project, which did nothing to mollify Jane.
It happens frequently. We do something that upsets someone else and in our rush to justify and explain ourselves we make things worse.
Explanations, excuses and justifications don’t work. When we resort to lengthy explanations we keep the attention on ourselves. We are trying to make ourselves feel better about having caused the problem. The person we upset doesn’t really care at that point – he/she wants to be heard, to know we understand how our words or actions impacted them and to make sure it doesn’t happen again. To remedy the situation, we must listen to the person we upset first, hear what they have to say and work with them to fix any problems. We can attend to our own needs later.
An apology that will help rebuild the break in the trust or the relationship must be sincere and address five distinct points:
The Other Side: Listening Pat appears in your office looking for a status update on your project. You find yourself repeating information you passed along just a couple days ago. A good listener can make the speakers case for them, accurately conveying the complete message.
Remember… it’s all in how you say – and hear – it! © 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Chris is talking about a recent conversation with someone where you were misquoted. You find you have to talk to the third party to correct the information.
You are frustrated and wonder if anyone ever bothers to listen any more.
Unfortunately, you might be more right about that than you want to be. We are all so busy we really don’t do a very good job of listening any more. Instead we let a constant stream of thoughts about what we need to do, where we need to be next, how we are going to get everything done and the like occupy our heads. And we are increasingly addicted to our Blackberries and texting. As a result, even when we have the best of intentions we often don’t really hear what is being said to us.
Author Margaret Millar put it more succinctly: “Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.”
Real listening is powerful. When we really listen, we hear what is being said – and often what is not being said. We hear the real intent and feelings of the words, and we remember the conversation. Think about it. When we meet someone who makes a point of listening, really listening, we feel drawn to the person; we like and respect them. We remember them, and feel good after the conversation. They make us feel valued and respected. Good listeners set themselves apart and stand out – especially when it seems there are so few of them.
As Dr. Joyce Brothers said, “Listening, not imitation, may be the most sincere form of flattery.”
The benefits of good listening extend beyond being better liked and respected. Good listening helps eliminate repetition, misunderstandings and wasted time. It builds relationships.
Active listening is not hard. The hard part is putting our own agendas (and our Blackberries) to the side long enough to do it. You have probably heard all the tips before. They include:
March, 2009
Complaints: Creating Allies Sally had a legitimate complaint. As she waited to talk to the client, losing valuable time, she became increasingly anxious. By the time the person finally showed up, she simply blurted out her problem in frustration and the person tuned her out. The problem remained unresolved. Sally failed to resolve her problem because she hadn’t stepped back to look at the situation objectively or scheduled a time to talk about the problem. Instead she tried to take advantage of the moment. She wasn’t ready and it didn’t work. Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Barry wanted to give John something he both wanted and needed. The first time he tried to give it to him, John was so eager he showed up hours early, long before Barry arrived, and left empty handed. Barry tried again; this time John forgot to tell Barry he was there – and again left empty handed. When John, frustrated about having wasted time twice, complained to Barry about the mix up, Barry decided to deal with someone else.
These are all too common examples of the unfortunate consequences of dealing with complaints and problems when we are still emotionally involved with what happened. It just doesn’t work.
When we are emotionally involved in what is happening, we lose our ability to reason clearly. Instead of making a rational, thoughtful argument for our position, we end up blurting out emotional and (most often) blaming statements. This is guaranteed to keep the issue burning, and often it leads to more problems.
When we have a problem, we are best served by working with the other party in a constructive manner. We want to make the other party our ally. To do this we must remain calm enough to be able to listen, to see the problem from both sides and to think of solutions that will work for both parties.
Three critical steps you can take to ensure you remain calm include:
John too focused on his own needs, letting his excitement overrule his objectivity. He also lost sight of the fact Barry was doing him a favor. When he called Barry to see what happened, Barry was caught off guard and was not prepared for the discussion. John quickly focused on blaming and made the situation worse.
Most problems we encounter are unintentional. If we stay cool and open to an honest discussion, and respect the other persons needs, we typically find the other person is eager and willing to work with us to come to a mutually satisfactory solution.
Ah, Er, And … The point of communication is um to get our point across and ah transfer information and sometimes to ah establish our credentials and so others understand us and ah therefore we ah want to be careful how we speak so that our goals are met and that er the other parties to the conversation can ah follow us and hear what we mean by what we are saying. In casual conversation with friends, these habits might not be an issue. In professional and other important situations, we don’t want to give away our power so easily. It is a good idea to find out if we are doing this so we can take steps to form new, more effective speech habits. Some ways to do this include: In today’s competitive, information-packed environment, it is increasingly important we come across as coherent, knowledgeable and professional. The more we can eliminate the hesitations and fillers from our language and string our thought together in a clear manner, the better we can perform. We will gain the respect of others and advance our goals more easily.
Remember… it’s all in how you say it! © 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
If you found the previous paragraphs difficult to read, then you already know the problem. Filler words (including “ah”, “um”, “er”) and run-on sentences are distracting and decrease the effectiveness of our communications. While we typically edit this type of speech pattern out of our written communications, we subject our listeners to these regularly.
Perhaps most often these words creep into our communications when we are trying to think of the right word to use next. We are thinking to ourselves and usually don’t even realize that we said something in the pause. Unfortunately, those listening to us do hear.
When we use filler words such as “ah”, “er”, and “um” we broadcast to the listener(s) that we are struggling to find the right words or clarify our thoughts. In some instances it is good to be perceived as carefully choosing our words, but more often it simply makes us seem unsure of what it is we want to say. Running a number of ideas and sentences together usually reinforces that perception. We may come across as ill-prepared, uncertain, and in some instances incompetent. Just as we write in complete sentences to convey our thoughts, we are more effective communicators when we speak in complete sentences. It makes it easier for people to follow what we are saying.
When Tensions Erupt Pat asks a store clerk in a store where to find an add-on for a product and the clerk yells about an obscure sign at the other end of the room that explains it. If we feel like we are going to snap, we can:
We spend a lot of time working with others, and we don’t always know if tensions in a person’s life might make them vulnerable to snapping. It is always in our best interest to help them recover as quickly as possible while saving face. Remember ... it's all in how you say it! © 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Chris carries a large display case into an office lobby and is yelled at for leaving it there while he went back to his car for more.
Lou walks into a meeting bone tired from working on a project and is immediately greeted with the news someone else changed it all around. Unhappy about the wasted time and effort, Lou snaps back.
While these may be a case of frayed nerves and stress, they also speak volumes about the culture and atmosphere in the respective businesses. And they create indelible images in the minds of clients and customers – and employees.
Too often we react to people and situations from our own intellectual and emotional frame of reference. We fail to stop to think about the impression our response might make on those around us. As a result, the results are often counterproductive to our goals. No one wants to frequent a business or work where they are treated badly. If a customer is treated like the first example above, unless the store is the only source for the product chances are that customer will go elsewhere. If a supplier is treated like the second example, they may decide the account is not worth the potential abuse. If a coworker treats you like the third example, you lose respect for each other and break the trust of a team.
People talk, especially about bad experiences. This has always been true, and with the explosion of social media in today’s word it is even more so.
Most, if not all, of us have experienced similar situations. Whether we were the one who snapped at another or someone else snapped at us, it is not a pleasant situation. There are a few simple steps we can take to help alleviate these situations:
If someone snaps at us, we can:
Boooring Have you ever met someone who is just plain boring? The person whose reports drown in minutia, making it difficult to find the relevant points? The person who constantly regales you with news of their lives without letting you get a word in? What can we do when we encounter someone who is simply boring?
One last word of caution. There is a popular, anonymous quote that tells us: “Small minds discuss people. Average minds discuss events. Great minds discuss ideas.” If you really don’t want to be boring, aspire to be great. Remember ... it's all in how you say it! © 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
If not, you are very lucky because there are plenty of these people around. When we see them coming, we might turn the other way, or pretend to be busy, or simply cringe. They waste our time and leave us feeling drained, irritable or even angry.
What makes people boring? It can, of course, be a number of things. Some of the top contenders include: the person at work who includes way too much information in a status report when all you want and need is the bottom line, the person who repeatedly toots his own horn, the person who talks about him/herself incessantly and doesn’t ask about you, or the person who goes on and on about subjects in which you have absolutely no interest (e.g. their latest golf game, vacations, children, etc.)
A few factors driving such behavior include low self-esteem, bad communications skills, or laziness/indifference/egotism that prevents us from thinking about how we are impacting others. Another cause, especially evident in the workplace, is differing personality traits; this is why personality assessments like the DiSC profile are so commonly used. There are many other reasons for this type of behavior.
Unfortunately, most boring people have no idea how they impact people. If you are concerned that you might be boring, focus your conversations. The number one question to ask before going on and on about any topic is: how much information does the other party want and/or need? The easiest way to answer this is to ask – and make sure you respect their wishes. This is especially important at work, but it applies to social and casual conversations as well.
Other considerations include:
If You Can't Say Something Nice, .... Chris, sales representative for an equipment manufacturer, presented his products to the buyers at a small company. He proudly discussed the many features and how the quality of his products was far better than that of his primary competitor. When he was done, the buyers thanks him and he left thinking it had gone well. He never heard from them again. Chris lost the prospect when he criticized the competitor’s quality because he failed to take the time to learn that the primary competitor was the current supplier – and was related to the owner of the prospect company. Chris would have fared better by doing the homework required to know (at least) the prospect was using the competitor, acknowledging them as a good alternative, and then providing insights into added benefits that would help the prospect. Remember ... it's all in how you say it! © 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Pat, scheduler for an equipment maintenance company, told the new tenant they recommended the equipment be replaced. In fact, Pat added, just last year they had asked the building maintenance manager to tell all the tenants of a special offer but were disappointed that the manager failed to relay the information. The new tenant found an alternative maintenance company.
Terry, new resident of a homeowner’s association, spoke to the association president about guidelines for making extensive upgrades and revisions. During the discussion Terry opined repeatedly about the poor construction quality. The president hung up the telephone thinking Terry was going to be a problem neighbor.
Making negative comments about others is always dangerous for a number of reasons, including:
Pat lost the prospect by badmouthing the building maintenance manager. That manager had been invaluable and unfailingly polite to the prospect during a stressful relocation. In addition, it was perceived as rude for Pat to ask the manager to add the role of unpaid salesperson to an already hectic schedule. Pat would have fared better by leaving the past in the past and focusing on the new tenant’s questions.
Terry lost favor with the association president when badmouthing the construction because the president, a long-time resident, loved living there. Pat was also perceived as a probable complainer, likely to cause a lot of headaches. Terry would have fared better by staying silent on personal opinions that were irrelevant to the discussion.
When I was growing up, I often heard people say: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Badmouthing others is a bad strategy. The potential for harm far outweighs the possibility of a good outcome. It is far better to focus on the others’ needs and concerns and work together to find mutually productive strategies.
Jargon, Slang & Rare Words When you examine the metrics, calculate the ROI and use that for your selling strategy. Remember ... it's all in how you say it! © 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Remember to include the HIPA guidelines in the report.
Create a JPEG file and send it to ….
Jargon. We all use it even if we also find it very frustrating at times. In fact, we use it quite a lot. It usually makes life so much easier – for us. For those we are trying to communicate with, that is less often the case. It is interesting that the dictionary indicates it is a somewhat derogatory term, implying it is unintelligible.
Every line of work has its own jargon. So do many social groups – think about the language teenagers develop as their own. The terms are generally sufficiently commonplace so that most people in that line of work or group know what they mean. Using jargon can be more efficient and precise than having to explain the concept in detail. Since we are all trying to do more in less time and want to appear knowledgeable, we use jargon as a short cut to conveying our message. Since we are so familiar with our subject, our meaning is obvious to us.
People in other lines of work/groups or new to those groups, however, are often unaccustomed to hearing the words and may fail to understand what is being said. When they too want to appear as though they are knowledgeable and otherwise fit in with the group, they may pretend they understand and try to figure out what it was you were really saying later. This heightens frustration and the risk of misunderstandings.
Slang is much the same. Again, consider teenagers and their “teen-speak”. They use their own vocabulary as a way of exerting their independence and setting themselves apart. Over time adults learn the words, often adopting some of them into their own language. Those who are not around teenagers may not understand what is being said.
Words that are rarely used have the same effect. In my world, when talking about human exploitation it is common for me to talk about the impact of misogyny (hatred of women), misandry (hatred of men) and xenophobia (fear of strangers or the unknown). While these are normal English words, they are rarely heard by many and I have to remind myself to explain what it is I mean if I want people to understand me. Chances are good you also have words you regularly use that stump others.
Jargon, slang and rare words add much to our discourse when used well. They help us develop our knowledge base, add a level of precision that may otherwise be missing and enrich our dialogue. But as communication tools, they only work if we make sure people understand their meanings. When speaking to a group, or to someone we just met, it is always wise to define the terms as we go. We can shorten the descriptions as we continue to use them and gain assurance our listeners understand what it is we want to say. Otherwise, we run the risk of frustrating and alienating our audiences.
"Always" and "Never" “Sales always promises more than we can deliver.” If the speaker is simply expressing an emotion, whether excitement or frustration, no action may be required. But while it can give us some stress relief, it can also interfere with our ability to focus on solutions. It is important to recognize that this method of expressing emotions may be perceived by some an over-reaction or even theatrical and raise eyebrows. Engaging in this type of communication on a regular basis can cause a loss of credibility – remember the story of the boy who cried “wolf” too often? Excitement can seem flighty if overdone. Remember ... it's all in how you say it! © 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
“That vendor never pays his invoices on time.”
“Chris is always so organized that we never have to worry about work getting done on time.”
It is so easy to make a blanket statement about someone else. Something happens, either good or bad, and we exaggerate the situation. (Have you ever noticed how often these statements are negative?)
These statements generally rise from frustration or excitement. We are all under a lot of pressure, especially in this economy, so problems are frustrating and good things that happen excite us. It is important we maintain perspective so we can keep moving. Exaggerating the situation with blanket statements distorts this perspective and slows things down.
Some words are meant to be used sparingly and with clear intent, including “always” and “never”. It is rare that we find someone “always” or “never” does something. Sure, we have preferred ways of doing things, but we are likely to flex our styles in response to our environment, especially under pressure. We see this in our actions, and also sometimes our values.
When we hear these words, it is helpful to stop and take a reality check. We can ask ourselves:
If the situation requires a response, a more realistic understanding of the issue makes it easier to find a satisfactory course of action. If someone “always” or “never” causes a problem, or nearly “always”/“never”, it is time to jointly develop a system to prevent it from happening again. For example, if Sales routinely over-promises we can jointly develop a system for coordinating with Production before committing. If it is a random or sporadic issue, we can focus on improving communications and evaluate the issues on a case by case basis. We can also learn from the successes that cause the excitement.
Effective communications are about transferring our ideas to others clearly and minimizing misunderstandings. Making an exaggerated blanket statement prevents clear communications and increases misunderstanding. Avoid using these words unless they are 100% true and necessary.
Whining and Griping We’ve all run into them: the whiners and gripers. The person who says: “They just rebuilt that and it hasn’t worked for two weeks. What’s wrong with them, anyhow?” Or: “I hate doing this. I wish someone else would do it.” If we find ourselves around whiners, we want to protect ourselves. We can ask them what they plan to do to remedy the situation: “What are you going to do about it?” This takes the energy out of the negative and helps the person focus on what might be possible. Chances are if the person is really a whiner they will think twice before dumping on you again. If this doesn’t stop the behavior, we can directly but politely ask them not to dump this negative energy on us: “Would you do me a favor and keep your complaints to yourself? I have enough to handle right now and I find this doesn’t help.” And if all else fails, we can avoid them whenever possible It is in our best interests to keep a positive, constructive and realistic outlook. This will help us stay energized and productive. We cannot afford to allow the whiners and gripers to steal our energy and dilute our performance. © 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Whining and griping are extremely ineffective forms of complaining. We label those who engage in this type of behaviors as chronic complainers and malcontents. At work, it can have a serious effect on our careers. And yet it is prevalent.
Why is it so bad? The two top reasons:
If we feel like whining and griping, we want to stop and redirect our energies:
Remember ... it's all in how you say it!
Expressing Opinions “I think we really should ….” There are some simple ways to express opinions without putting others off: We are entitled to our opinions. We are entitled to express them. We simply want to remember that others have the same rights. There are times others will prevail and we will defer to someone else’s opinion. When that happens we can be gracious about it, look for the lesson and use it as a growth experience.
“That isn’t how to do that.”
“I prefer to do it this way.”
We all have opinions. We express opinions about what we like, how we think things should work and many, many more. The richness and diversity of opinions is how we learn and grow. And yet we often feel blasted with opinions that we cannot process effectively.
Like criticism and other topics, opinions can be expressed in either helpful or off-putting ways. If we really want others to hear us and respect our ideas and opinions, we want to make sure we present them constructively. There are three important concepts to remember before we present on opinion:
Remember ... it's all in how you say it!
© 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved
Talking Too Much Notice that none of these reactions are positive. When we talk too much, we increasingly push others away and isolate ourselves. Save the talking for friends, and always remember – a dialogue is much more interesting, and fun, than a monologue.
You’ve met them: the people who talk all the time. Sometimes they are always the first to jump in when trying to brainstorm. Sometimes they take over a conversation and proceed to monopolize it. Sometimes it is impossible to get a word in and you are left feeling numb.
Some people simply talk a lot. And there are very few people who can talk 80% of the time and get away with it.
There are many reasons we talk too much. Some of us have a dominant personality and like to take charge. Some of us listen to ourselves to think things out. Some of us are lonely, insecure, or stressed. Regardless of the reason, why someone talks a lot is not the problem – it is the impact on others that causes the difficulties.
When someone monopolizes the conversation we have a number of possible reactions, including:
How do we know if we talk too much? People start avoiding us. They roll their eyes. They get impatient with us. They are paying attention to something else in the room instead of us. If we are lucky, they tell us.
If we think we talk too much, there are many things we can do, including:
Remember … it’s all in how you say it!
© 2009 The Watts Connection All Rights Reserved