Janaury, 2010

Should I or Not?

By now you have all heard them: the multitude of “jokes” about Tiger Woods. Some of these jokes are blatantly racist, and many are mean-spirited if not downright hateful. I don’t remember hearing the same when Eliot Spitzer or the many other high profile men caught in various extramarital affairs.

Telling these jokes in a corporate environment, or any group environment, is extremely questionable and risky. In any group, the likelihood of offending someone is high. So, how can we tell if it is appropriate?

Have you noticed how many people lower their voice to almost a whisper when they relate these jokes? That is a sure sign the material is inappropriate. If we don’t feel comfortable saying something loud enough for all to hear, it is extremely unlikely we should be saying it at all. Also, even lowered voices are frequently overheard.

Other signs we are in dangerous waters:

1. Jokes that belittle a person or group of persons are inappropriate. We don’t know who in the listening audience may identify with the brunt of the joke, either personally or through family members or close friends.
2. Jokes that are off-color or use foul language are also inappropriate.

February, 2010

March, 2010

When We Sap Motivation

“Why bother, they won’t like it anyhow.”

“I wish he would just let me do my job without micro-managing.”

“There’s no point in starting. She always comes along and takes over anyhow.”

Ever heard anything like these? Unfortunately, they happen more than we might like. There are people who say things that drain us of any motivation.
 
Last month we talked about controlling people – the “should-ers”, “ought-ers” and “need to-ers”. In addition to causing conflict and pushing people away, they drain people of motivation.

There are those who jump in saying “Let me help you with that”, even though you did not ask for or need, help.

There are those for whom whatever you do doesn’t seem to be good enough.
 
I’m sure you can think of others.

If we hear these things often enough, we end up saying “why bother” because we think whatever we do will not be good enough or worth the effort. We give up trying because we aren’t given the freedom to think for ourselves, make our own choices, show what we can do and learn from our mistakes. The results can be ugly.
 
Have you ever worked for a micro-manager? Someone who looks over your shoulder and guides you every step of the way? It is nerve-wracking and emotionally draining. It doesn’t take long to start feeling there is no point in your being there – just let the manager do it if he is so intent on all the details.

(By the way, the same thing happens when raising children. Hovering over them and making all their decisions robs them of the opportunity to learn how to flex their own intellectual muscles and become both independent and productive.)

In the workplace, we hire people for what they know and can do. When we deprive them of the ability to do their jobs, they lose interest and don’t give 100%. Eventually they come to the conclusion their efforts aren’t appreciated or valued, and they either “retire in place” or leave.

If this is happening to us, it helps to recognize that it most often rises from a sense of uncertainty or insecurity in the person who is getting in our way. We can approach the person and ask for the space we need.
 
If we are the ones causing the problems, we need to first look at why we feel compelled to be overly involved in what others are doing. We want to set good boundaries, including setting appropriate expectations so the others are clear on what it is they have to do and letting them know how you will decide if their work is acceptable or not. Then we must step back and let them take over. Equally important, we need to recognize their achievements and successes – a little appreciation goes a long way.
 
These days no one can afford to get less than 100% from their employees. If we insist on conveying the message we don’t trust them, we are hurting not only them, but the company and ultimately ourselves.

©  2010  The Watts Connection  All Rights Reserved

April, 2010

Expectations

“I’ll call you tomorrow morning with the ….”

“We’ll be there at 10:00.”

We hear these things all the time, and yet how often does the person making the statement actually call or show up when they said they would? I hear a lot of complaints about and often personally experience bad customer “service” from companies with whom I am trying to do business. People call or show up late – if at all. They fail to let us know what is happening, even when it has a major impact on our time and ability to perform our jobs.

Unfortunately, this behavior seems to be happening with increasing regularity.

When someone says they will do something, whether or not it includes a specific time, we make our plans based on what they say. They have set expectations in our minds and we make our own plans based on those expectations. When they fail to meet those expectations we experience a wide range of feelings:

Especially in these challenging economic times, we want to be careful we don’t treat our customers this way. If we tell someone we are going to do something, it is our responsibility to arrive when stated, to deliver when stated, to otherwise perform as stated.

The first step in setting proper expectations is to mean what we say. It is easy to throw out a time or date without checking first to determine if it is reasonable, and this is dangerous. If we are not sure, we want to tell the person we think this is the promise and will confirm it.

The second step, clearly, is to live up to our word. Best practices dictate we meet or exceed someone’s expectations – always.

At times, of course, circumstances change and we may not be able to do what we said. When this happens, it is our responsibility to inform the other person(s) of the delay and give them a new solution. This includes listening to them to be sure the new solution will work for them. Anything less than this leaves the bad impression. Fortunately, with the advances in modern technology it is easier than ever to connect with people: cell phones, email and text messages all allow us to update people instantly.

Setting appropriate expectations is good business – at work and in your life. And it makes life a lot easier.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it! 

©  2010  The Watts Connection  All Rights Reserved

“How are you doing?”

“How is the situation with your uncle working out?”

We often ask someone about something going on in their life, or otherwise express care and concern. Sometimes we do this in a perfunctory manner, just to be polite; other times we are genuinely caring and concerned. Regardless of our motive, the purpose is to connection, strengthening the relationship. As always, there are ways to express our concern that bring us closer and there are tactics that create more tension and disconnect.

Here are a few guidelines to remember when we want to convey concern:

• Keep the focus on them. As we listen we think of similar situations we have dealt with, we may be tempted to bring those into the conversation. This brings the attention back to us and away from them, making us look uncaring and even egotistical.
• Refrain from trying to fix the situation or give advice unless asked. Jumping in and telling them what to do can be disempowering at a time they might need to maintain control. We can offer to help them think through things if they want; whether or not they choose to do so is totally up to them.
• Save the diagnoses for the professionals. Generally we are not in a position to diagnose the issues. Even if we have the expertise, we haven’t had the opportunity to properly assess the situation. Further, it isn’t our job to try and diagnose the problems; we are there to support the person.
• Manage the boundary between caring and being nosy. Some questions may be too personal or private for the person to answer and we want to honor their wishes. We also want to honor their need for confidentiality.
• Listen, empathically. Often that is the only thing required of us. Looking at our watch, fiddling with papers and looking around indicate we really don’t care.

“That is just plain wrong and I don’t want to associate with anyone who thinks it is okay.”

It seems we hear statements like that all the time any more. Someone states a position and stands firm in their opinions. And in some respects this is not only perfectly okay but very good. After all, as the saying goes, if you don’t stand for anything, you’ll fall for anything. And we are all entitled to our opinions – think what a chaotic world this would be if no one had any.

Why does this so often become problematic? A lot of the rhetoric these days not only takes a stand for something but also insists everyone else stand for the same things. “You are either in agreement or not, and if not you are wrong.” Period. This is called right fighting. It is the verbal equivalent of the child who says “do it my way or I’ll take my ball and go home.” This is ineffective for a number of reasons:

1. The rhetoric leaves no room for dialogue and so leaves no room for coming to a mutual understanding or common ground. No learning takes place and relationship is broken.
2. Insisting someone agree is a waste of time. The larger the community being addressed, the less likely it is you will ever get everyone to agree on any issue. The only way to change someone’s opinion is to educate them so they see the truth of a different perspective – yours, if you are trying to persuade them.
3. This rhetoric usually starts with a statement, tacit or otherwise, that says “if you don’t agree you are [wrong, ignorant/stupid – pick your adjective]. This automatically puts the other person on the defensive and causes either disengagement or an escalation in the argument. Who wants to engage in a conversation that starts with them being made wrong?
4. When used by someone in a leadership position, such as a manager, some of the “followers” or employees may go along out of fear of reprisals, but they lose respect for the leader/manager and don’t give their all. Fear and guilt are not good motivators for more than short terms.

“It’s Susan’s fault. She insisted these were the right numbers.”

“Patrick said we had to do this, so if you don’t like it talk to him.”

Blame. It is everywhere in our culture these days. We love blaming all our problems and disagreements on someone else. Sometimes this comes from being overloaded, sometimes from frustration and often from right-fighting (see the June newsletter).

None of us like to look bad or take the heat for something someone else did. And yet, blaming is rarely effective in helping us move forward and create what it is we really want.

Think for a minute abut a situation where there is blaming. Chances are you’ll notice increased tension and/or conflict, and little if anything being accomplished. It becomes a major distraction, damages working relationships and limits our ability to perform. We might be right to point to someone else as the source of the problem, and yet we risk creating more problems. In both the above situations we present ourselves as passive bystanders, as followers instead of leaders, potentially damaging our professional image.

There are, of course, better, more productive ways of handling things. Some guidelines to remember:

• Instead of blaming, we can acknowledge there seems to be a problem. This helps remove some of the emotion and potential for conflict, and maintains a cooperative relationship with the other party.
• We can take the lead in connecting the two parties. For example, we could call or walk over to the person we are tempted to blame (e.g. Susan or Patrick), ask if he/she has a moment, and explain there seems to be a problem and you need help getting it straightened out.
• After things have been settled, we can talk to the other parties and cooperatively develop a plan to make sure the problem doesn’t happen again.

Which would you rather hear?

“Your report is well written, insightful and gave me much to think about” or “Nice report”?

“That tie really stands out and makes you look authoritative” or “Nice tie”?

Compliments are easy. We give them to express appreciation for something, and we want them to feel good about what we say. To achieve this, there are just four simple guidelines.

• Be specific. There is a difference between a specific compliment and a general one. Generally, the more specific we are the better. It allows the person we are complimenting to know what was so great and gives them something to think about next time, motivating them to elevate their performance. A general compliment makes it hard to replicate the behavior.
• Be focused on the other person. If we talk about ourselves, we detract from the compliment. There is a difference between saying “You write well” and “You write much better than I do”. The second sounds like you are thinking out loud – I’ll get back to that in a minute.
• Be sincere. When we are sincere, it makes the compliment that much more meaningful. Sincerity is detected in our voice and actions. It pays to be present to the moment and speak clearly.
• Be timely. It is more effective to compliment someone as soon as they earn the compliment. The longer the delay, the more we leave the impression it really wasn’t all that important.