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Today’s Tip: Talking "To" vs.
"At"
Ben is standing in your
doorway talking about his golf game over the weekend. You
are busy trying to finish a report due that day, but when
you ask if you can finish the conversation later, he simply
continues on with his story.
Sarah is excited about a great
new dress she found and is going on, and on, about how
pretty it is and what a deal she got. You can’t get a word
in edgewise.
You have probably experienced
this at some point: the person who appears to be talking to
you and yet leaving you feeling like you aren’t, or don’t
have to be, there.
There is a difference between
talking “to” someone and simply talking “at” them. Ben and
Sarah are both talking “at”.
Someone who is talking “to”
you is having a conversation with you. It is interactive;
both you take turns talking and information is being shared.
When someone is talking “at”, there is only one party
engaged in the conversation. There is no give and take, and
no sharing of information. Someone talking “at” you is
simply talking; the talking would continue in the same
manner if you left a brick in your place and walked away.
Why do people insist in
talking “at”? Sometimes the person is so excited about
something they can’t help themselves. Sometimes he/she is
simply bored and looking for a release, or thinking out
loud, or lonely, or distracted by something major going on
in their life. There can, of course, be a lot of reasons.
If we allow it to continue
unchallenged, talking “at’ someone can be a great time
waster. When we find ourselves in a situation where someone
is talking “at” us, we have to take it upon ourselves and
decide how much time to give the person. We can always
gently change the subject or excuse ourselves from the
situation.
We also need to aware of the
times we may be the one talking “at”. Some clues: the person
we think we are talking “to” is preoccupied with something
else, or doesn’t respond to our questions, or simply asks us
to leave and/or continue another time.
When this happens, it is a
good idea to stop and take a reality check on ourselves. We
can ask ourselves what we expect from the “conversation”,
and if we are simply venting or chattering we can find a
more constructive outlet. If we want the exchange to be
two-way, we can start asking questions – and listening for
the answers – to bring the other party back in. We can ask
ourselves if we are perhaps being perceived as an irritant,
or even rude, and take steps to alter those perceptions. We
can take ownership of our role.
Talking “at” happens more
often than we might like to think. In casual conversations,
it is usually not a big problem, although it can become one
if someone monopolizes the time in this manner. In work
situations, it is costly and counterproductive, and needs to
be managed.
Remember… it’s all in how you say it!
I love hearing the stories of
how this newsletter has helped people – keep them coming.
The ideas for these
newsletters are pulled from special requests or situations I
encounter in my day-to-day work. This month I chose to
indulge myself and draw on my work on modern-day slavery and
trafficking in humans. If you have a specific communication
issue you would like to see addressed in this forum, let
Sherry know by contacting her at
sherry@thewattsconnection.com.
Let Sherry Help You:
Sherry often speaks to groups interested in
learning how they improve their communication skills. If you
know of a group looking for speakers, ask her how she can
tailor a program to their specific needs.
If you want to learn more about how coaching can help you
take your communications to the next level, Sherry offers a
complimentary coaching session designed to help you
experience coaching and see if it is right for you.
You can contact Sherry at
sherry@thewattsconnection.com.
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