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Today’s Tip: Dialogue vs. Debate
Jane has serious concerns
about the way a project is progressing. She explains her
views to Jim in the hope of addressing them.
Jim responds by criticizing
Jane’s opinions and offers a “better” way to view the
situation at hand, angering Jane.
Sound familiar?
This is just one example of
the problems that can arise when we blur the lines between a
dialogue and a debate. Both forms of communications have
their rightful place, but they do not share the same
purpose.
When we dialogue, we are
looking to develop a shared understanding. We use this to
understand what someone is thinking, why, and how important
it is to the person. When we dialogue, we open ourselves up
and speak more authentically from who we are: we speak of
our thought processes, our beliefs and perhaps even our
feelings. These are not subjects that can be treated
lightly; they speak to the person’s sense of identity.
Belittling, arguing with or dismissing the person is a
guaranteed way to make them feel bad about you and perhaps
themselves. It leads to tension and conflict.
When we debate, we are
establishing our position and thoughts as the dominant ones,
convincing others that we are right, that we have better
ideas. We focus on issues, not the person. When considering
the merits of different business plans, car models or the
latest movie seen, debate can be good. We can even debate
who is a better candidate for something – a debate focused
on skills and observable performance.
Why do these cause so many
problems? Dialogue, being more personal, can leave a person
feeling vulnerable. If someone responds with a debate, it
can quickly be perceived as an attempt at domination and
control, judgment, and perhaps as an attack. This can lead
to a feeling that it isn’t safe to express oneself or that
their input doesn’t matter. If someone you know doesn’t
speak up, this could be one reason.
This doesn’t mean we have to
agree with everything someone says. Listening does not mean
agreement!! Let me repeat that – listening to someone
respectfully does not mean agreement! It means, rather, that
we acknowledge their thoughts and respect their right to
their opinions.
How could Jim have handled the
situation better? He could start by asking questions and
reflecting back what he hears so Jane knows she was heard
and understood. Once Jane knows she has been heard, and
there is great power in being heard and understood, Jim can
proceed with his view of what has been said by sharing what
he agrees with and what he disagrees with.
Many times I see problems that
stem from the fact someone responded to a dialogue with a
debate. Before doing so, it pays to stop and consider if
that is the appropriate response and if the other person
wants to engage in a debate. Often, you can save yourself a
lot of trouble by trying dialogue instead.
Remember… it’s all in how you say it!
If you have a specific
communication issue you would like to see addressed in this
forum, let Sherry know by contacting her at
sherry@thewattsconnection.com.
Let Sherry Help You:
Sherry often speaks to groups interested in
learning how they improve their communication skills. If you
know of a group looking for speakers, ask her how she can
tailor a program to their specific needs.
If you want to learn more about how coaching can help you
take your communications to the next level, Sherry offers a
complimentary coaching session designed to help you
experience coaching and see if it is right for you.
You can contact Sherry at
sherry@thewattsconnection.com.
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