|
Today’s Tip: Verbal Attacks
A co-worker has become the lightening rod
for a lot of anger in the office. People have resorted to
using words as weapons: one person calls the person “an
arrogant, self-important jerk” and another calls him a
“knock-kneed, little tyrant.”
Are the words offensive? Is one of these
more offensive than the other?
I’ve written before about name-calling (Jan
07) and labels (Aug 07). Both cause problems: name-calling
causes us to question our identity and labels separate us
into “we vs. they” groups. While I definitely believe it is
preferable to avoid these, in real life we sometimes resort
to using names and labels – to vent our frustration or for
some other reason.
Sometimes we go too far and the words
become a verbal attack. At that point it is not funny –
rather it is perceived as mean-spirited and insensitive.
Where do we draw the line?
I like the David Letterman philosophy. When
he makes people the subject of his jokes, he follows
specific principles, including: it is okay to attack those
things over which the target has control (choices) but not
those things over which they have no control.
With this principle in mind, we can
evaluate the words used above:
-
Arrogant, self-important and jerk are
all words that, while unpleasant, reflect someone’s
perception of how the person chose to act. Therefore
they pass the test.
-
Tyrant also reflects someone’s
perception of how the person chose to act and passes the
test. Knock-kneed and little, however, are examples of
things over which a person has no control: their
physical build. Therefore, they do not pass the test –
they go too far.
If we go too far, we will offend many if
not most people. This causes undesirable consequences. For
example, they may wonder what we say about them behind their
back, or they may start to distrust us. Equally important,
we shift the focus from our message to the name-calling. If
we were trying to make a point, it will be lost in the
attack. We become the target.
There are abundant examples in the public
discourse. Within the past week MoveOn.org did this: they
ran an ad that called Gen. Petraeus “Gen. Betray Us”. Since
his name is not a choice, it doesn’t pass the Letterman
test. It is likely most people remember the furor it raised
but not the (details of the) point they were trying to make,
and it didn’t help their reputation.
I don’t recommend this type of attack. It
isn’t productive. Before deciding to use words as weapons,
such as name-calling and labels, stop and think: what is it
you want to accomplish with your words? Are the words you
have in mind going to advance your goal, or are they likely
to backfire and cause you more harm? If they go too far –
they fail the Letterman test – reconsider and find a
different way to meet your goal.
Remember… it’s all in how you say it!
If you have a specific
communication issue you would like to see addressed in this
forum, let Sherry know by contacting her at
sherry@thewattsconnection.com.
Let Sherry Help You:
Sherry often speaks to groups interested in
learning how they improve their communication skills. If you
know of a group looking for speakers, ask her how she can
tailor a program to their specific needs.
If you want to learn more about how coaching can help you
take your communications to the next level, Sherry offers a
complimentary coaching session designed to help you
experience coaching and see if it is right for you.
You can contact Sherry at
sherry@thewattsconnection.com.
Subscribe now:
If you liked what you read in this issue,
we invite you to:
-
Subscribe and receive this e-zine
once/month, send an email to
info@thewattsconnection.com
with the word SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. You
will not receive another e-zine from me unless you send
the email asking to subscribe.
You will be able to unsubscribe at any time by
sending an email with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the
subject line. FRIEND: As we discussed, I have
already added you to the subscription list, so you do
not need to respond unless you decide to unsubscribe.
-
Contact us and let us know how the tip
helped you.
|
